NHT's Writing Desk

new england sunrise and trees


natal return:  25 mar 2016

another birthday … sixty-three, this one– 
don't ask me what happened to last year ...  some of them get lost -
 because everyone’s gone to work, 
i get to spend today mostly as any introvert would prefer:  
working in an empty house
i hope i’m not expected to cook or otherwise engage today …

...because it is not lost on me that today is also Good Friday …
not that i’m a Christian –
i am an American Indian whose early life happened 
into rousing Irish culture and devout Catholic faith –
i know Christianity through the eyes of a pre-Vatican II Roman Catholic, 
when one was either Catholic or Protestant -
when the word  ‘christian’ hung out mostly in history books about the first century c.e.

being from Irish priestly lineage gave me access to esoteric privy 
not available to the general Catholic membership,
the secrets held within the realm of priests and nuns and those closest to them -
i learned that esotericism isn’t book-learning (or bible reading) 
but witness …

but i am not Christian 
because 
while i do believe he died and rose again,
i do not believe Jesus died for my sins or saved me …
for over six decades this catholic (little ‘c’ means universalpath i walk 
has from the very beginning  fed my belief 
that Jesus died to teach us how to die for our own sins in order to save ourselves …
that’s what Good Friday's mysticism reveals to me…

if Good Friday's magic is to work its power, then yearly on that day
we should be 'making friends with one's own Death,'
a native american concept and ceremony to overcome fear ...
even symbolic ceremony is powerful ... 
to that same end, yearly catholic childhood practices of 3 hours prayer on that day
run deep and automically (not to be confused with automatically)
and profoundly weave themselves throughout the fabric of my medicine …
Good Friday is a day to go within, to destroy that which does not glorify the Creator …
it’s personal, not something outside myself told in the third person
about what happened to some other guy …
it’s about me nailing myself to that tree …
this is how pre-vatican II Catholics learned to approach Good Friday …

i have a friend who was born on a Good Friday -
her birthtime is during the magical hours of noon to three, no less …

i imagine her Christian mother labouring during such holy hours -
what thoughts went through her mind about this child coming into the world?
was she comforted by the example of doña pica
who wouldn’t give birth 
in her husband’s comfortable house, 
but preferred the barn and animals into which Francis of Assisi was born?

my friend’s mother would never speak of her experience during those hours …
i knew to any practicing Catholic they are hours of silence…
from this silence the baby, my friend, lives the saintly life,
not because of pure goodness, but because of intense suffering …
all saints suffer – it’s requisite -
the soul being forged by its own cleansing fire, said aries …

Good Friday – 
this year, my birthday …

… and so, appropriately moving along in search of the party:  
what do i want, right?
easy question, difficult to answer –
the truth is
if i stop long enough to explain, if i even try to explain,
the monster in the closet might emerge victorious …
so i won’t …
my strategy is to just keep on keepin’ on.
surfing this illusion of time without wiping out too soon …
jes’ get it dun!

…of course,
i wouldn’t refuse 
a double-chocolate, wheat-free anything
later today …


 -NHT
©2016
all rights reserved


         
         related readings:  Meditation on Good Friday
                                     Navajo Easter   
                                     
birthday epilogue 2016



25 march 2014 - Natal Return

today is my birthday – my 61st - didn’t expect life to be quite like this when i got here …
thought by now i’d be steeping in my golden years, the battles having all been laid to rest …
instead the war carries on …
sorry, heckuva birthday message … 

okay, let’s try again … how’s this?
birthday messages, curiously enough , are something i tend to do from lifetime to lifetime …
at least that’s what history reports …

*yawn*
boring …

dammit! today is my birthday - so why am i so restless? you ask
because (once again) trees are being felled right across the street from me –
i don’t do well with tree-cutting – messes with my ‘shaman’ radar …
(see previous post: "Clearcut Agony")
so there you have it, with apologies, dear reader, 
absolutely nothing profound or enlightening from me this day –
just a wish that they could stop cutting down the trees …
and a very deep regret that that Japanese beetle  crossed an ocean and a continent 
to kill our trees

okay, says she resignedly,
before i go, i will lamely conjure an illusion of birthday spirit, 
and offer a break from character with explanation
that abandoned babies are rarely photographed, 
and few remain of me …
below is one of Baby Me in a party dress -
i was tall even at 2

Nay_ho_tze laughing? or crying? for the camera

question: am i laughing or crying in this photo?  – no-one knows
i think laughing because i adored party dresses …
crinoline of the 50’s inspired my internal whirling dervish  …

…and this picture below never fails to make me giggle –

Nay_ho_tze scowling at the camera

it is visual testament to my lifelong loathing of cameras,
especially any pointed at in my direction
(unless, of course, i’m in a party dress… hehe)

So there it is – this year's birthday note –
while it’s not terribly uplifting, i hope it brought a smile –
here, have a cupcake –
they’re wheat-free

cupcake

 -NHT
©2014
all rights reserved