Nay_ho_tze's Medicine Musings

nht and nine eagles -
the new war

"surfing a tsunami'


at left: Beacon Rock - Columbia River Gorge
related reading: The Dream of Shonone
           5 mar 2019 -   my apologies - words have not been forthcoming until today

our bid was lost on a miranda-triggered technicality -
appeal is in process -
prayers are still very much needed -

anyone who knows him 
knows he does not belong where he is,
including his accusers
whose contemptible shame is not hidden from God -

o my lost daughter, where is your conscience?
        11 feb 2019
December's aborted trial restarts today...
sequestered, i cannot be there -
curiously today is the death anniversary of my godson's father
which offers a strange comfort and unexpected strength ...
--- please pray for us ---

(did i mention that the aborted december trial date had been changed to the birthday of my godson's godfather, a/k/a my SO?)

      13 dec 2018
 update: only one day in and the trial has since stalled - 
story is judge hurt his back - waiting for more particulars, any particulars, like what to expect next,
 but so far nothing  -
"we'll let you know" or "you'll be notified" -
there have been more anomalies in this case than there are paper clips in a cup -
my gut wants to throw a flag on the play ...

 doesn't help the personal stress-o-meter -
duly protesting, yours truly has been under a dr's care (w/'elephant crushing' chest pain) for weeks -
last friday i had to last-minute-cancel the walking stress test scheduled for monday
(the EKG's didn't satisfy my doctor)
because we'd just been informed that the trial had been pushed up to monday
(... then stalled a day later - go figure!)

"Waiting is the hooves of time"   - kahlil gibran

         11 dec 2018                 
                                                     ordeal continues ... prayers greatly appreciated
      10 dec 2018
                                             please pray for us - trial begins today - thank you

                                                           Image result for abiding in god and repairing the breach

4 oct 2018  

update:  pre-trial was more motions and date setting ... 
we're told november is the 'busy month' -
prayers are welcome

steady as she goes...
      15 sept 2018

we're a little over two weeks out from pre-trial ...

Ah-sheh'heh (Navajo)   -   Ya ko kae (Choctaw)   -   Philámayaye (Lakota)
Thank you

       11 may 2018 -

my godson had come by yesterday to work on the lawnmower.
afterwards when he was leaving, i walked with him outside. 
In the yard he stopped to play with the dog, so  we started to visit again - 
presently something above caught our eye, and at exactly the same moment,
we both looked skyward to see a most spectacular sight - 
Eagle and Crow in tandem, not attacking, and just feet from each other,
flying directly over us only yards above our heads -
of the close proximity i am sure because i have myopia,
and i could see Eagle clearly enough to confidently reply, 'yes'
when my godson asked excitedly,  'is that a bald eagle?"

this isn't my photo, below,  but it's exactly what we saw ... 
years ago, when i first went online, having known Crow my whole life as my totem 
i took one of those quizzes mostly to see if they'd get my totem right vs. them telling me my totem hehe ... 
after a number of questions, i was given the final, a 'tie-breaker question' they called it, 
and was asked to choose between 'healing or teaching' -
it was a tough question for me to answer, but ultimately i clicked on 'teaching'
reasoning that i could teach others to heal ...
and as expected Crow showed up  ...
Eagle heals and Crow teaches,  
and being tied to both, seeing them together yesterday was phenomenal 

click here to read the story behind Nine Eagles' name

          4 may 2018 - the calendar has flipped, and this month brings a whole new demon to take down, demonstrating why more than a few clients ask if Rescue Remedy is available by the quart  -  

a mother's lament - 
in the wake of mental illness

she lives each and every day an open wound 
seething in longing for her children, and her grandchildren -
there is no relief to be had …
all destroyed by mental illness which implicates her as the cause …
her heart knows otherwise – 
even her stars speak of things like ‘faultless’, ‘powerless’, and ‘destiny’ 
(the latter not to be confused with karma)

and she knows what her grandchildren will know of her:
that she was the marauder, the villain, the family pariah -
so much easier to slander the one than to implicate the Beloved,
the one whose mental illness is truly at the root of this destruction …
(did you know that mental illness can be learned as opposed to inherited?)
oh how different her life if she’d had sons as she’d believed …
yet how delighted she was to have daughters …
at least until this mudslide revealed  that the life she was living 
wasn't the one she thought she was building …
and here’s the irony: before children, she’d not had a single regret -
after children, she had only a single regret: having had children at all –
it taunted her very existence to watch the untoward pain 
spilling down from generation to generation of her own progeny -
never mind that to those she loved most, she alone had caused the suffering …
how cruel a god to give you what you dream of most,
only to take it away just when you need it the most …
how is it that love can be so vile and poisonous?

jeez ... don’t be so maudlin

©2016, 2017, 2018
all rights reserved


               21 april 2018 -

so it was today over two decades ago when Nine Eagles collapsed with meningitis 
and that particular nightmare began for all of us ...
(now) two weeks ago court regulated visitation was cancelled
for father (my godson) and daughter 
(my grand daughter, whom i have not been allowed to see in 6 years)
as my eldest was 'out of town' -
then yesterday she was a no-show in court for the continuance 
on a family matter she instigated, 
separate from the bigger legal nightmare going on ...
today hoping against hope for father and daughter to have their scheduled visitation --
trying to shake this sick feeling inside


               20 apr 2018

                                 ... and thus it begins (prayers most welcome)


           24 jan 2018

                                               another open letter, as it were, to my eldest

        30 dec 2017

since i recently posted on Facebook some of my youngest daughter's artwork
i am compelled to share here that her elder sister,
a majour role player in the recent nightmare life has become,
is equally talented art-wise as this story illustrates ...

when the kids were growing up, every year it was the same:
“mom, what do you want for christmas?”
and every year much to the chagrin of my children,
the answer would always be the same: “i want world peace” 
one year though in deference to the previous year's complaints, the answer was different -
that year a day or two before the inevitable question was asked,
i’d thumbed through a religious item catalogue that had come in,
and my eye was caught by a 2’ x 4’ tapestry of Gabriel for $340.00 -
i would tell them, 'this, this is I want this for Christmas”
and amidst the expected outburst of “Mama, are you serious?” and “No way”
i laughed and defended myself, “Hey, at least i didn’t ask for world peace this year” –
the only one not engaged in the uproar was my eldest -
she’d hung back and was thumbing through the catalogue pages …

fast forward to Christmas morning –
family custom is to give your main gift last -
so it was with the livingroom clearly covered in post-present-opening shambles,
that my eldest daughter and my godson told me they have ‘one more’ for me,
and handed me a gift wrapped in a blanket as “there wasn’t enough paper left."

This is what was hidden in the blanket…

…an exact 2’ x 4’ replica of the catalogue tapestry image
done with what they had on hand

inspired by my awestruck reaction they explained excitedly …
that while my eldest used her skills to duplicate the tapestry icon onto posterboard,
(and afterwards tediously cut it out),
my godson found and stained some wood for the background,
onto which, hoping to give it a tapestry feel, they glued black fabric and cording,
and edging it all 
with a ribbon richly embroidered in the very classic Greek key pattern…
onto all those preparations they then carefully glued the clipped image of Gabriel …

Sharing her experience working on the image, my eldest said that
as she began the painting, Gabriel appeared to her, 
first, to help her with the work 
(iconography is no small easy task, usually takes years to master)
and second, to ask her to deliver a message to me on Christmas morning, 
which she told me is what she was doing, and straight out asked me, 
did I know that Gabriel was my guardian angel?  

i ignored the hair that stood up on the back of my neck and nodded silently rather embarrassed. 
i didn’t explain that since childhood, I’d long suspected Gabriel to be my guardian angel,
my first clue being that my birthday is the Feast of the Annunciation (when Mary received her divine visitor) … 
but I’d never completely admitted to it, feeling instead rather unworthy -- 
after all, who am i to think i rank an archangel? so that as i got older, 
i’d pretty much written off the whole thing as grandiose hallucinations
with which“Lost Ones” are wont to play … 
still,  i couldn’t deny that no-one knew my suspicions 
including my 15 year old daughter, which made her story all the more significant. 
She went on, saying Gabriel was hurt that I hadn’t acknowledged him.  
She said, he thought it was because he preferred to appear in more modern day dress
(apparently, jeans are a favourite…), 
and that he thought that my expectations about the way he should look kept me from ‘seeing’ him. 
He told her that that was why he’d come to help her with the icon painting, 
to honour my expectations borne of Catholic sensibilities … 
Needless to say I was stunned. 
I confessed of having had reticence to admit what I knew in my heart to be true,
and that ultimately my downfall was feeling unworthy.  
I also set her straight on whatever expectations had been perceived as mine,
saying that in truth I didn’t have any expectations at all about his appearance, 
and rather found the idea endearing of an archangel wearing jeans. 

i held silent though on being probably one of his most trying charges, 
and privately chastised myself for managing to upset an archangel … 
imagine!  of all the crazy things I’ve ever done, that must be the most insane!!  
Later, alone, I offered heartfelt thanks and humble apologies to the archangel.  
I believe I received forgiveness ...
on my very next birthday, three months later to the day exactly, 
  as is my nightly prayer custom, i was outside visiting the stars in the dark stillness. 
I suddenly heard rustling above my head beyond the honeysuckle
and unmistakenly felt a feathered wing,
apexed in the sky,
enfolding itself around me and drawing me in so close
that I could hear the heartbeat 
of what I recognized as an angel.  
When I looked up, Gabriel’s smile filled the night sky.
It was amazing.

©2007, 2017
all rights reserved


               17 dec 2017     -  10:37am

this past week we encountered another bump in the road 
that ultimately allowed chalking one up for this camp …
(notice i don’t say, them or us because it’s all us, all the same family)

and on the morning that this new situation was to come to a head, 
as per my habit when rallying troops from the unseen, 
i lit a 3 hour votive candle to Gabriel at around 8:30 am 
and placed it on my altar … 
(he and i have a close connection, don’t we, daughter?)

and on this day which brought no bad news to this camp,
it took me until early afternoon to realize that that votive was still burning –
in fact it was burning so brightly that around 2:30 in the afternoon i took this untouched shot -

about 20 minutes later that 3 hour votive finally went out 
take what resonates - leave the rest  --NHT

all rights reserved

              see a couple more angel light posts here

             11 dec 2017  -  2:30 am

So i can’t sleep …
Ordinary reality (OR) has spilled into the Dreamtime (non-ordinary reality, or NOR),
and i’m up –
better than tossing and turning which is worse than the insomnia itself -
when too many thoughts are attacking at once,
it's best to get the hands moving

This western shaman has discovered something these past few days,
that in the heat of battle, 
the line between OR and NOR is blurred at best, or perhaps, less existent –
as things unfold, it is becoming increasingly clear
that meningitis and brain surgery were just warm-up practice for what’s happening now -
and as this new journey begins i’ve come to realize something else…
that, with the meningitis/brain surgery,
i’d blindly, trustingly followed a loving energy moving in front of me,
pulling me along as if i were being led by the hand,
all the while a part of me detached from the emotional drama going on
to take mental notes along the path as things happened then,
although i did not remember this mental note-taking part until the other day,
and when i remembered, i realized that what’s happening this time is slightly different …

this time the energy is coming from behind me, behind my left shoulder,
and every so often as i move along, if hesitation becomes but a nano-second old,
i will hear “do you remember?”

i don’t know who this is – 
or maybe i do, but their energy is being cloaked, so i can focus better … 
i tend to get distracted if it’s someone i miss who’s crossed,
but my guides have developed tricks to work around this …
for myself with typical client work, which mostly is finding medicine or guiding past life work,
Mother Superior from my childhood is my daily guide -
i was surprised the very first time she stepped forward  -
it took me awhile to get over my childhood awe to effectively work with her -
she is usually behind my left shoulder but this doesn’t feel like her now  - 
but then i also know Mother cloaks well (guess who taught me)

i know –
people are likely to smirk at the idea of ‘cloaking’ -
well, since i can’t sleep, let me tell you a story -

this happened when all the kids were teens …
we were going on a daytrip and as we drove to the gas station to fill up,
the conversation came around to ‘cloaking’ probably inspired by some movie they’d seen…
as i listened and ever the homeschooling teacher, i realized the opportunity to talk to them
about shielding without going all new-agey on them …
not that shielding/cloaking is a new age idea ...
it isn't - it's actually an ancient idea recycled by the new-agers ...
 the idea instantly intrigued my godson
who sat in the front because he gets car sick –
he wanted to know if i thought that we could cloak/shield the van? 
a ford econoline, no small van or challenge

i smiled, shrugged and said ‘i dunno – let’s give it a try’
my daughters in the back were like, oh no, there they go again
i pulled into the gas station, the mini-mart kind with a number of pumps – 
this one was busy so i had to wait a bit before pulling up to a newly opened pump
where we then waited for the attendant to come over
(we were in Oregon, a low employment state where, to preserve jobs, self-serve gas stations were/are illegal) 

as we waited the kids' conversation on cloaking and shieding continued, 
for even the girls with all their initial oh no! bravado had become enthralled with the idea …
i pointed their thinking around to look at the energy of the situation,
and how you’d need to manipulate that energy somehow
(‘you mean like bending light?’  - i smiled),
 then tossed out the idea of how military invisibility fabric works.
Then i fell silent and listened to them run with it,
as i watched the attendant running around trying to serve everyone …
after a bit  i began to wonder if the car he'd just run by us to serve hadn't pulled in after us? …
but then i was listening to the children, so maybe i was wrong - i held my silence …
but it didn’t take long in a conversation lull, for my godson to notice the same thing though …
‘hey,' he said, 'weren’t we here before that guy?’
i looked over at him and replied, 'that’s what i was wondering' -
and just at that moment the attendant, who was passing us yet again, stopped dead in his tracks,
turned around and come back to us … 

“how long have you folks been waiting?” he asked us confused but apologetic.
Glancing at the dash clock, my godson and i exchanged glances but kept silent:
it had been 20 minutes!
the attendant was shaking his head, clearly flustered.
“i am so sorry – i just didn’t see you until now - i don't know how i could've miss you!”

For his sake we made jokes with him about playing with 'cloaking' just to leave him feeling okay
about his customer service skills...
little did he know how honest we were being!
 Then later revisiting the scenario i wondered if the sound of our speaking 
had been why he could suddenly see us -
if our voice vibrations had somehow broken some sort of 'spell'***

This most curious family anecdote comes up every once in a while in conversation-
just the other day in fact -
mostly because even after all these years 
it’s still not clear how it all happened -
i'm content that it still generates discussion

sometimes it all boils down to Spirit making the teacher look amazing  😉

... think i’ll bundle up and go outside for smoke and prayer -
a snowy landscape in the dead of night is magical

all rights reserved

*** this very same question could apply to what happened after our meningitis/Labour Day visit to the Falls, 
when a bus-sized chunk fell from the face of the falls within hours after our visit to give thanks there that the nighmare was officially over


               wed 6 dec 2017 - 1:06pm

          an open letter as it were to my eldest

              mon 4 dec 2017 - 8:40pm 

sharing more blessings
this time delivered by way of a dearest sister,
a buddhist in the Pacific Northwest, my other homeland -

today she sent me a message -
in her efforts to help the situation,
she managed to encounter a patron saint of 'wrongly accused people'
St. Dominic Savio -
she finished her message with 'nuke it [meaning the idea] if it's  not the right one' -
i replied instantly, 'of course it's 'right - it's from you'
(this woman means the world to me ...)
and then i went on a hunt of my own for this saint ...

within minutes i had my mind blown,
and this is why...

St. Dominic is the youngest non-martyred saint at 14 -
his mentor was St. Don Bosco -

now hold that thought ...

in my early twenties when i first discovered the shroud of Turin
(way before computers and such),
i wrote a letter to the author of one book i'd read -
I Saw the Holy Shroud --
well, i was most surprised and deeply honoured when Fr. Peter Rinaldi wrote back,
nd from that a lasting friendship developed.

now, here's the kicker:
Fr. Rinaldi's great uncle, Fr. Phillip Rinaldi
was Superior-General as a successor to Don Bosco.

cool, huh?
although both Fr. Rinaldis have walked on,
i do believe my old friend said 'hello' today

oh yeah, i forgot -
Dominic Savio's birthday?  
April 2nd -
the day my Beloved died 
(and later a very close family friend named Marie

my friend sure hit the jackpot blessings-wise ...
thank you, Miss P

all rights reserved

          sat 2 dec 2017  --  2:51 am

the nightmare is over -
looming ahead is a war which will play out in the form 
of a court room drama 
that will throw open closets most of the family has spent way too much energy 
trying to keep shut tight ...

but time enough for that later -
right now this night my heart is full: my godson is home
i choose to ignore the GPS they have shackled to his ankle ...
instead i take refuge in the many signs of Grandfather's workings over the past 3 days ...

-- beginning with the public defender appointed to him -
she is Jesuit, trained in law by Jesuit priests
it's no secret that i was raised by Jesuits ...
that the nuns who educated me were founded by a Jesuit in 1650 France ... 
Jesuits are my spiritual blood ...
further, this lovely angel lawyer who landed quietly in our lives
was not only trained by Jesuits,
she and my eldest share the same alma mater -
(my eldest is the one at the root of all these problems)-
i'm not sure what it means, but an interesting curiosity to be sure

-- spiritual strength from the jesuits came even before we met this angel,
 when we discovered that the offices of both the public defender 
and the attorney with whom we'd made an appointment before she’d been able to contact us – 
that both their offices were located in the town's Masonic block -  
i only knew this because as we walked to the first attorney’s, i happened to catch sight 
of an unobtrusive 9”x12” permanent sign affixed to the side of a building i passed by --masons/freemasons/templars/jesuits, they are all the same blood ... 
and exceedingly significant guideposts for me.

-- my lost Beloved (who has never really ever left) made his presence clearly known
in the plane that flew over head as i approached the courthouse steps today  ... 
it was just like the one in which he died -
Corvettes (his ride) are his favourite way of communicating with me, 
but that particular type plane has also long carried messages from him to me - 
There are so many more signs that happened i can't remember them all in one sitting ...
my mind is such mush right now ...

and yet for all my dancing and rejoicing,  my heart mourns for the brutalities
that i
 know my godson endured last night ...  
they are animals ... they are all demonic animals - and that's all i'm going to say because such ferocious cruelty is a trigger to memories from many of my own past incarnations 

what is to be said of a system whose older cops have to apologize to a prisoner
whom their heart recognizes as unjustly accused
for the inexcusable behaviour  
of fellow cops ?  
the most significant family in the list of my caretakers growing up
was a family of cops and firemen -
because of this and up until now i have always defended cops,
giving them the benefit of the doubt … 
no more – 
the random sporadic spots of corruption and  barbaric police behaviour 
such as this town gets away with must stop! 

tonight so much swirls in my head demanding to be digested on so many freakin' levels -
the line between OR and NOR has been so blurred for two days for this shaman
that i feel like i'm coming down off drugs as i type ...

i should probably try to sleep -
getting the mind to cooperate, aye, there’s the rub...

all rights reserved

             related readings:  April 21st - pt1of3* 
                                                              Eagles - pt 2 of 3
                                          4th of July - pt3of3*
                                         The Dream of Shonone*
                                                              The Birthday